Ophelia Talks Back

Based on Margaret Tattoo’s ‘Gertrude Talks Back’ Why yes I do believe I am fair, and I don’t need you to confirm it. Honey you were never invited to my wedding. God has given me one face, and I can do whatever the hell I please with it, thank you very much. Frankly you could do with a little heavy foundation and a wig yourself; it might Just conceal the premature balding and all the frown lines you’ve accumulated from moping. You looked like a tired old man some days. It totally screwed me over.
Get thee to a friary. Clearly you’re the one lacking in morals. I know you were cut about losing your dad, but there was no excuse to go stab mine. You careless little bastard. To be or not to be… Oops, ha, I Just killed Polonium. I beg thy pardon. You may not lay your disheveled, deluded head in my lap. I don’t want the grease stains from what’s left of the hair on your head on my dress. Creep. And I’ve got more thoughts lying between my legs than you were ever able to resolve and brood over in your lifetime.
You were terrible in bed. I’ve got more resolve, you see. Yes, I did kill myself seeing as you weren’t planning on taking your last bow any time soon. Alas my attempt to escape from you and your contemptible sex failed when you and Alerter dived into my grave and started wrestling each other; proving no peace even in death. Men. And now you’re claiming forty thousand brothers could not match your love for me. A far cry from Act 3. Well, Hamlet. I’d say make up your mind, but… It’s already a little late for that.