Focus- You have a decently focused essay. However, I would like to make a suggestion to your thesis statement. Below is what you have as the last two sentences of your intro. “However, drones are lifesaving, efficient and lifesaving. These are the points that will support the following thesis statement: Drones should be integrated into everyday activities.” What about changing it to state, “Drones should be integrated into everyday activities because they are convenient, lifesaving and efficient.” This encompasses your thesis statement and the three main claims you are making to showcase your thesis is correct. Such a change will help the reader to more clearly identify what it is you are going to discuss. It will also help you to build stronger topic sentences for your body paragraphs.
Development- You need to increase the explanation of why the material that you chose to quote actually supports your idea. Just claiming that it can be used for good is not enough. Explain why the convenience (efficiency and lifesaving techniques) is so great that it needs to be integrated into everyday use… Make sure that you are actually proving your thesis statement. Your intext citations also need to be reworked. There is some strange spacing with your quotes that are not necessary. I will provide some helpful links at the end of this email so that you can see examples of how to quote a resource properly using MLA format. Ensure that you are using a direct quote or paraphrase from each of the materials in the packet. Failure to do so is grounds for disqualification.
Organization- You have a fairly well organized essay. I would like to see stronger topic sentences for your body paragraphs. Something that clearly defines for the reader what you will be justifying in each paragraph. A few transitions or concluding statements would be nice as well. More depth and explanation in each body paragraph to help prove your points is suggested as well.
Mechanics- You have a few grammatical errors. You will need to leave yourself time the day of the exam to reread your essay and catch any of those errors. I would review your Works Cited page, but it doesn’t not have as many errors as the intext citations.
Intext citations- https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/02/
Works Cited- https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/05/
I would like to review another draft just to ensure that my suggestions were understood and implemented.
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